Paradox

Sitting here after just waking up from a 2 hr nap which I probably did deserve, brooding in a half awake/half asleep state of semi-consciousness about paradoxes in life.

I've been waiting for an hour from a phone call from a person who I've been working for lately.  I'm strangely pissed off what I haven't been called -- that my time and efforts haven't been accounted for in his/her schedule, but at the same time, I realize that I do this to every person in my life without even a backward glance.  With such fast past and complicated lives, full of just great expectations and a super inflated concept of human capacity, things fall through the crack.  As it turns out, communication, the one thing vital to keep this ridiculous 21st century human cog running is the thing that most often seems to fail. We get so caught up in our own crap, we forget that there are other people, and in some cases, lots of the depending on us to be on our shit as it can impact their lives in a serious way.  I am the biggest offender of this, often airing on the side of not even eventually calling them because I am too embarrassed about being so scatterbrained.  Its a bad habit and you end up leaving a little trail of destruction in your wake.  Nothing one cannot repair, but the impression your actions leave on people is important.

My mind is so reoccupied with tomorrow lately that I am forgetting about today.  I can't wait to do these shows this summer, to get out biking again, to get to the gym -- I forget to be where I am right this minute.  Perhaps this is a way to do it.  I often find that when I sit down to do the work I need to do at the moment, I dread it with every inch of by being, but when planning it, I can't wait to look dive into it -- sort of a catch 22.  Maybe I would be a good PM -- scheduling and planning other people's times but not actually having to do the work :-)  I've got to write an essay about Vampires by Thursday morning and I really just can't bring myself to even read the play again -- its that painful and I'm not sure why.  I've always had issues with doing things that I'm don't want to, or perhaps aren't good at.  Its something I really need to work on or else I'm never going to get through life.

Been thinking a lot about satisfaction lately -- not quite sure what that means.  I am constantly gauging how satisfied I am with my current situation, marking it against the past, against the perceived future, against my dreams.  The later is FUCKING DANGEROUS.  If I view the present through a lens of the future I will NEVER be satisfied.  My future will always be more exciting, more engaging, more romantic, for affluent, more perfect because my imagination is always more creative than real life is.  I guess also, what this tells me is that I'm not satisfied, or else my future would look just like my present.  I want satisfaction to be the ultimate -- I don't want to settle for less.  But should I settle for less "for right now" or should I never settle for anything until its the future?  Settle tomorrow?  Settle when there is no tomorrow?   My mind is having problems contemplating this...

titles are difficult

I've decided for our annual festival of student work next year that I want to artistic direct a dance show of some sort of integrity, gravity, and cultural relativity.  I've already begun the process of assembling a creative team, but that's the exact opposite of what I should be doing.  I need to have a cohesive and definitive vision and theme before I try and sell people on it.  I'm already being a bonehead by writing about it here, but I guess that this is the place where you talk candidly about goings on, so that's what I'm going to do.  Things here, and for me, are always stream of consciousness, not lyrical or intentional or beautiful.  I'm reminded of the writings of a certain synthetic who's diction is always so carefully crafted.  Perhaps I'm reckless, perhaps I just don't care.  

So, something relative....relative to me, to us, to the world?  Why the world...no one in Turkmenistan or Siberia is every going to see this or hear about it, why should I attempt to make it approachable to them.  So relative to us, here, this time, now, in....Pittsburgh?  No, the community.  What community?  Art?  Dance?  Theater?  21 year olds?  I know nothing of these communities, I'm such a small part of them, so insignificant, why should I try to make some grand statement for people who I don't even know?  Or for why should I make a statement at all if no one will hear about it or care?  I guess the people in the audience will see it, hopefully be affected.  Maybe they will tell other people.  The CMU community that comes to Playground is I guess fairly influential in the world, and becomes more so later on, in 10 years maybe, when they are performing in/designing for/managing the biggest and baddest pieces of performing arts in the world.

So...

Fuck it, I'm just going to to do something, something I want to do, something that speaks to me, and hope that other people out there feel the same way, or can feel some sort of universality to it.  After all, we are all human -- and maybe that's it.  Humanity.  The common human experience.

Things that consume me:

Love

Sex

Play

Work

Ambition

Desire

Sloth

Experience

Wealth and Subsistence

Charity

Happiness and Contention

First Time

I have nothing insightful to say yet, I hope in the future I will be able to actually give this the time I wanted to be able to give it.  Its a good outlet, and I value the way many of my friends have used this type of forum for their creative outlet.  More to come....