Paradox

Sitting here after just waking up from a 2 hr nap which I probably did deserve, brooding in a half awake/half asleep state of semi-consciousness about paradoxes in life.

I've been waiting for an hour from a phone call from a person who I've been working for lately.  I'm strangely pissed off what I haven't been called -- that my time and efforts haven't been accounted for in his/her schedule, but at the same time, I realize that I do this to every person in my life without even a backward glance.  With such fast past and complicated lives, full of just great expectations and a super inflated concept of human capacity, things fall through the crack.  As it turns out, communication, the one thing vital to keep this ridiculous 21st century human cog running is the thing that most often seems to fail. We get so caught up in our own crap, we forget that there are other people, and in some cases, lots of the depending on us to be on our shit as it can impact their lives in a serious way.  I am the biggest offender of this, often airing on the side of not even eventually calling them because I am too embarrassed about being so scatterbrained.  Its a bad habit and you end up leaving a little trail of destruction in your wake.  Nothing one cannot repair, but the impression your actions leave on people is important.

My mind is so reoccupied with tomorrow lately that I am forgetting about today.  I can't wait to do these shows this summer, to get out biking again, to get to the gym -- I forget to be where I am right this minute.  Perhaps this is a way to do it.  I often find that when I sit down to do the work I need to do at the moment, I dread it with every inch of by being, but when planning it, I can't wait to look dive into it -- sort of a catch 22.  Maybe I would be a good PM -- scheduling and planning other people's times but not actually having to do the work :-)  I've got to write an essay about Vampires by Thursday morning and I really just can't bring myself to even read the play again -- its that painful and I'm not sure why.  I've always had issues with doing things that I'm don't want to, or perhaps aren't good at.  Its something I really need to work on or else I'm never going to get through life.

Been thinking a lot about satisfaction lately -- not quite sure what that means.  I am constantly gauging how satisfied I am with my current situation, marking it against the past, against the perceived future, against my dreams.  The later is FUCKING DANGEROUS.  If I view the present through a lens of the future I will NEVER be satisfied.  My future will always be more exciting, more engaging, more romantic, for affluent, more perfect because my imagination is always more creative than real life is.  I guess also, what this tells me is that I'm not satisfied, or else my future would look just like my present.  I want satisfaction to be the ultimate -- I don't want to settle for less.  But should I settle for less "for right now" or should I never settle for anything until its the future?  Settle tomorrow?  Settle when there is no tomorrow?   My mind is having problems contemplating this...